The Hogwarts Handbook: A Survival Guide
by pantherscout
Summary: A guide to staying alive and keeping your sanity while studying at Hogwarts, as told by an anonymous student.
1. Chapter 1

Disclaimer: Not mine. Don't Own.

AN: I know. I know, These 'rules' stories have been done before, but I'm still gonna go ahead and work on this. Hopefully you will enjoy it, and I'll get lots of reviews, and everyone will be at least partially happy. :)

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**The Hogwarts Handbook: A Survival Guide**

Hello. If you are reading this, it means that you are a student like me at Hogwarts school of Witchcraft and Wizardry. If not, then I really don't know why you are reading this, as it probably won't make much sense. Still with me? Good. Allow me to introduce myself. Call me Shawn. No, it's not my real name, but I think that having a secret identity is slightly cool and it means that I can write basically anything I want and no one can retaliate against me. This also means that I will not mention which house I have been sorted into, as it might make it easier to track down my identity.

You probably are thinking, why is this Shawn person writing a Handbook inside of a journal but refusing to say who he is or why he is writing this. Well, I can answer part of that. My reasoning for writing this Handbook, is that I believe it is needed if you are going to survive your school years, not just physically but also mentally. You see, school started a few months ago, and while I have heard from most of the older students that Hogwarts is never quiet, I have personally noticed that being away from your parents and armed with a wand, most if not all common sense gets thrown out of the window, locked in a box, and tossed into the middle of a lake.

Hence, the creation of this guide. Writing is supposed to help you cope with things (at least that's what I have heard) and so keeping a journal is a good thing. Having just started as a new first year student, this living in a castle thing complete with ghosts is new for me and it's taking me a bit to get used to it all.(secretly though, I actually enjoy keeping a normal journal) . Also, the boy-who-lived Harry Potter has also started classes here at Hogwarts this year, which basically translates into 'things are about to get interesting.'

Case in point, last night was the Halloween feast. It was a nice feast, complete with great food and good company. At least until our defense professor (who is supposed to teach us how to survive) runs into the great hall announces that a troll has somehow gotten loose in the dungeons and then he promptly fainted. Somehow, I don't quite understand how fainting will help out in any crisis, but he pulled it off quite nicely. This however leads us to our first rule...

**Rule 1: Your teachers, while having more training than you, can still be idiots.**

This can be explained easily. For instance, causing a panic and then fainting on the ground will only lead to you being trampled but hundreds of students. While magic is quite useful in healing injuries, nothing is completely instantaneous and it really does nothing for your image. Also, having students go to their common rooms while there is a deadly creature on the loose makes no sense. I mean wouldn't it be better to do a quick head-count and leave everyone in the great hall where they are safe, or is it a plot to get hopefully get rid of a quarter of the students, since the Slytherin common room is located in the, can you guess it, the dungeons. Where there is a troll. What were the teachers thinking.

**Rule 2: If you want to become friends with someone, insult them and then proceed to save their life.**

I overheard Ron Weasley insult Hermione Granger earlier in the day (before the troll incident). Then, during the troll incident Ron and Harry Potter went, not to their common room, or to inform someone that Hermione was missing during the feast, but to look for her. It has to be attributed to sheer luck that they managed to find her and stop the troll. AND they were awarded points for surviving. The three of them are now appearing to be friends.

**Rule 3: The wizarding world runs on stereotypes.**

Hufflepuffs are loyal but lazy. Ravenclaws are smart but useless outside of a library. Slytherins are evil and planning on world domination. And Gryffindors are brave but strive to become cannon fodder. Granted, the cannon fodder goal may actually be true. The Weasley twins, Fred and George, are brilliant pranksters. But they made the mistake of playing a prank on some Hufflepuffs. Clearly they are NOT lazy. The twins were later seen with yellow and black stripped hair for about 2 days after the pranking incident. It was rather funny. Though, I suspect a prank war will be in the works.

**Rule 4: While amusing, playing the batman theme song when Professor Snape walks in the room is just asking for trouble.**

While the potions professor looks fairly bat-like. I honestly think that the eye twitch is not a good sign, and since I have heard a rumor that he was once a death eater, annoying him to the brink of insanity will probably only end badly. I will personally be impressed if he makes it till the Christmas holidays without snapping. But, it should be great fun when he realizes that it is one of his Slytherins that keep the prank running.


	2. pyromaniacs and boggarts

Disclaimer: see chapter 1

**Rule 5: Keep highly flammable substances away from upper year Slytherins.**

For all the time that the Slytherins spend in the damp dungeons of the castle, they are apparently incapable of showing any common sense when presented with anything that has the capacity to explode. In a surprising show of genius a few of the 6th year Slytherin boys were caught by their head of house attempting to set fire to various potions to see which would provide the biggest explosion. Professor Snape was not amused, especially since they had decided to complete their experiment in their common room. Needless to say, mixing dreamless sleep and polyjuice potions and then proceeding to set fire to the concoction does not end well. Apparently, the explosion created created a toxic fume that turns the surrounding area a interesting shade of teal; which apparently cannot be spelled away and by all estimates will take about a week to be rid of. The Slytherins that have been admitted to the hospital wing are now enjoying sleeping outdoors in tents in the courtyard. (On more amusing note, apparently Slytherins do not camp outdoors for the fun of it, and as such had to borrow tents from Gryffindor house so their new living arrangements are red and gold.)

**Rule 6: Mysteriously appearing carbonated beverages should not be opened under any circumstance.**

The Professors learned this the hard way when during dinner cans of Pepsi showed up during dinner. The cans came complete with a note thanking the teachers for all that they do for their students. They were placed as a prank. (I personally suspect some adventurous muggleborn Ravenclaw students to be behind this). The cans had been shaken up and ended spraying the unsuspecting professors with the sugary drink. The students found this funny, the professors were furious, and classes were canceled the next day.

**Rule 7: Renaming the infirmary the Room of Doom, the Torture Chamber, or the House of Pain will not be tolerated.**

Apparently the Weasley twins struck again. The medical staff were not amused. Just because magical medical providers do not use needles does not mean that they can't find ways to amuse themselves. Many pictures were found posted in the great hall of the Gryffindor and Slytherin Quidditch teams wearing neon pink pajamas during an overnight stay in the infirmary after a game. While there hadn't been any major injuries, the medical staff claimed that the teams needed to be placed under observation for a new virus that apparently only affects broom riders on the 20th day past Halloween.

**Rule 8: Asking the Defense loving Potions instructor to get rid of a persistent boggart will only end in tears, especially if this task is to be performed during a detention with a highly imaginative muggle-raised student.**

Professor Snape refused to speak to anyone outside of the Hogwarts House elves for a week after the Headmaster kindly asked him to get rid of a boggart that seemed slightly resistant to normal means of extraction. Since Snape was overseeing a detention at the time, the Headmaster commented that it would be a good learning experience for the student to observe the boggart extraction.

Unfortunately the student was raised in the muggle world. To make matters worse, the student had watched a lot of television growing up. Worse still, the student was not scared by normally scary things. No one quite knows what Professor Snape's scary boggart shape consisted of originally, but everyone suspects what its new shape entails. As he was seen running very fast towards his room cursing the meddlesomeness of Headmasters, the uselessness of defense professors, and his hatred for all things muggle.

Apparently, boggarts can move quickly and provide a good chase. It even managed to stay close behind the professor as he ran. No one is quite sure on how the student had created the boggart shape in the first place, seeing on how Snape was the one directly in front of it. But the image was enough to get the student released from serving detention with Snape for the rest of their Hogwarts career. Many nightmares had been created consisting of Barney the purple dinosaur singing his love for Snape while trying to chase him down for a hug.


	3. The chapter with no name

Disclaimer: see chapter 1

AN: So, is this so far good, bad, or ugly. :) I love reviews very much. Also, if anyone has a rule they would like to see elaborated on, I am willing to take suggestions. :) Also I would like to apologize for the incredible shortness of this chapter. Longer chapters are in the works, I promise.

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**Rule 9: Hufflepuffs are no longer allowed to organize school wide frisbee games. Ever.**

Hufflepuffs are actually very competitive in nature. To show inter-house cooperation they organized an open frisbee tournament. They even explained the game to the purebloods. Unfortunately, they forgot to mention that they were planning a game of full-contact ultimate frisbee. The nursing staff have now placed frisbee on the banned list of items after they had to treat 3 Ravenclaws, 5 Gryffindors, and 6 Slytherins for various injuries.

**Rule 10: No breaking into the dorms belonging to another house and declaring it an independent country.**

The 2nd year Slytherins got bored during a Hogsmead visit. This resulted in the takeover of the Ravenclaw dorms. For the rest of the day the dorms had been renamed the Snakehead Territories. Professor Flitwick was not amused. (neither were the Ravenclaws)

**Rule 11: Food fights will not be tolerated. Especially in the hallways.**

Some Gryffindors had run into some Hufflepuffs outside of the kitchens, where they were both sneaking some food for a late night party. Somehow an argument had broken out amongst them, and resulted in a pie being shoved into the face of one of the Hufflepuffs. They retaliated. Professor Snape was livid. He had apparently been hit with a flying cupcake that had been shot from a conjured catapult while on nightly patrol. NO one would say who conjured the catapult.


	4. The Doubting of Sanity

Disclaimer: see chapter 1

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**Rule 12: No moving beds in the infirmary.**

Some of the more injury prone Gryffindors had taken to moving the beds in the infirmary to form a fort. The medical staff was not amused. After much threatening with the use of some very interesting medical equipment the fort was dismantled and the students stayed in their assigned beds for the rest of their stay.

**Rule 13: You must stay in your assigned bed while in the infirmary. **

After the fort incident, the beds in the infirmary had been attached to the floor, preventing them from being moved, as a result of this the now bored and still injured Gryffindors had found a new way to occupy their time when not sleeping. They began to randomly choose new beds throughout the night. Some just to find new spots to stay. Others had decided to amuse themselves by finding open beds next to students from other houses and poking them constantly. Sleeping potions were now being considered as mandatory for all Gryffindors who had to stay over night.

**Rule 14: Seventh Year students are no longer allowed to brew polyjuice.**

In what will probably go down as one of the greatest pranks in the history of Hogwarts, a group of seventh year students from Gryffindor, Ravenclaw, and Hufflepuff worked together on brewing a massive amount of polyjuice potion. It was to be a school wide prank. A prank that would include students and professors. No one knew (except the pranksters themselves) exactly who they were or how they managed to get the help of the house elves. But the prank was massive. Unfortunately, they managed to mix up the vials, and there is some debate to the mischievousness of the house elves themselves. Because, instead of the students being turned into copies of their respective head of house and the professors being turned into each other. All the Professors now looked like Professor Dumbledor. The student body now consisted of Hufflepuff Flitwicks, Ravenclaw Sprouts, Slytherin McGonnagals and Gryffindor Snapes. For the next week almost everyone in the school used a dreamless sleep potion.

**Rule 15: Personal music devices are not to be used around Professor Snape.**

Professor Snape was starting to seriously consider leaving the country. Some of the more talented students had somehow managed to rig multiple cd players into all of the main rooms of the school. Every time he walked into a room the Johnny Cash song "Man in Black" would play. Loudly.

**Rule 16: Replacing the Headmasters lemon drops with balls of wasabi, while humorous, may prove to be hazardous to your health.**

Two sixth year Gryffindors had done this. They were now assigned detention for the remainder of the school year. Their detentions were to be served with Hagrid, helping him care for his cute and furry little friends. Some of which just happened to be delivered to Hagrid the day following the wasabi incident.

**Rule 17: Rubber bands (in bulk) are not to be seen in the hallways.**

For some as yet unknown reason, a huge rubber band war erupted amongst all the muggleborn students in the corridors. No where was safe. This lasted for about an hour and a half before a ceasefire was called. The reasons for the ceasefire are still unknown.

**Rule 18: Making adjustments to the personalities of helpful appearance mirrors will not be tolerated.**

Some Ravenclaws had gotten into a huge argument with some Slytherins. Professor Snape had broken up the discussion. The Slytherins had thought it was over, that they had won the argument. The Ravenclaws thought otherwise. Two days later an appearance mirror had been stuck to the wall outside the Slytherin common room door. Not only did it comment on appearance which was never to its standards, but it also apparently insulted everything about any Slytherin that walked out. Some of the students were even reduced to tears.

**Rule 19: Using magic to bake desserts in the common rooms is prohibited.**

No one knows what possessed the Hufflepuffs to have a magic only bake-off within their common room. No one knows what started the argument that broke out. The only thing that was certain was that the Hufflepuffs could not cook. All the desserts that were attempted had turned out to be rock hard. Parts of the common room had been demolished and about five of the students had concussions from the impacts.

**Rule 20: Care packages from home are to be opened only in the Great Hall (where there are witnesses).**

Some unnamed students had gotten 'care' packages from home which consisted of nothing but silly string. Hogwarts was now covered in the stuff. Peeves was extremely pleased.

**Rule 21: Casual Fridays are not to be practiced.**

The Newt level students had gotten together during a study group and planned a casual friday which they had promptly convinced all the other students to participate. It did not go well. Not well at all. The Professors were not happy.

**Rule 22: If you run out of ink while finishing a last minute essay, borrow ink from a classmate do not get creative.**

A few of the students had run out of ink while they were finishing up some Potions essays. Professor Snape didn't know whether to laugh or cry. Apparently the essays were finished using crayons. He wanted to laugh at the audacity of the students to turn in crayon written essays (the essays were actually not bad), but he also wanted to cry because the essays were turned in by Slytherins.

**Rule 23: Making changes to house mascots is not allowed.**

The Professors were heading towards the brink of insanity, they were torn between being pleased that the students were displaying signs of talent and wanting to strangle the lot of them. Some students had managed to change all of the house badges and banners. It really was ingenious. But, Hogwarts is steeped in tradition. And the only students who were not annoyed at the changes were the Gryffindors. The houses were now known as the Hufflepuff Lemmings, Ravenclaw Donkeys, Slytherin Fluffy Bunnies, and the Gryffindor Zombie Hunters.


	5. end of year hijinks

**24. Tap dancing pineapples need to stay in Professor Flitwick's classroom. Regardless of where they were actually charmed.**

Apparently, some of the students had gotten creative after taking their practicals and had charmed dozens of pineapples to tap dance around the school. The pineapples had begun to follow Professor Flitwick everywhere that he went. It was actually quite funny to watch, it was almost like the pied piper. Things became violent when Flitwick crossed paths with Professor Snape. Filch became nearly homicidal when he saw the mess that Snape had created. The pineapples had decided to switch to following Snape around and within 5 minutes of the directional change, Snape destroyed the charmed fruit. Pieces of pineapple decorated the corridor. The poor fruit.

**25. Prankwars need to be contained among the groups actively engaging in the prankwar. This includes Professors.**

A massive school-wide prankwar broke-out. It was not pretty. Though no one is quite sure how it began. Some say that the Weasley twins got it started, others (I am among this group) think that it actually began in the teachers lounge between Flitwick and Snape. According to rumors, Flitwick pranked Snape because of Snape destroying the dancing pineapples. Flitwick had thought that the anonymous charmer was quite brilliant, and was annoyed with the quickness that Snape had shown in blowing them up. Snape retaliated by pranking Flitwick, but got Sprout instead. Hufflepuff house found out and retaliated against the Slytherins, and it all went down hill from there. McGonagall and Dumbledore were forced to step in after the great lake was dyed pink.

**26. Impromptu sing-offs are to be kept away from the great hall. Especially during mealtimes.**

I guess that everyone's sanity had gone out the window with the ending of the school year. Some students from Ravenclaw and Hufflepuff got into an argument about who had the best singers, Gryffindor overheard and joined the discussion. This led to random students breaking out in song in an effort to see who was better. Needless to say, the singing went on all day and it wasn't that bad. Surprisingly there are a lot of gifted singers in the school. Unfortunately, during sometime during dinner, Slytherin joined in. Marcus Flint lost his bad boy image during dessert, when he broke out singing Madonna's "Like a Virgin". The nurse had a lot of requests for dreamless sleep potions for the next few nights.

**27. Even though this is a magic school, you should beware of ninjas.**

No one is quite sure what went on, but sightings of students dressed in black were reported in the corridors by some of the patrolling prefects and teachers. They were never caught, they seemed to disappear whenever anyone got close to them. But by morning, all the dorm rooms were covered in fluffy white feathers. And a message was left in all 4 common rooms, "Beware the Ninja."

**28. Control your emotions/excitement over final exams. This especially includes the graduating 7****th**** year students. **

Some students were seen worrying about their final grades. Others were just excited that exams were finished and the school year was finally ending. Loud conversations, crying, laughing, partying, it was all happening. The sun was shining, the temperatures were warm, everyone was outside enjoying spending time with each other before they split up for the summer. It really was a nice day, until over half of the graduating class decided to go streaking down by the lake.

**29. House points don't really matter in the end.**

The Slytherins rightfully won the house cup. They had the points. But, at the last minute Dumbledore awarded more points to Gryffindor for playing chess, courage, logic, and bravery. What's up with that. So, if you ever want house cup bragging rights, make sure that you either are in the same house as the headmasters favorite students, or find out new ways to cheat the points system.

Well, the year has ended and we have somehow managed to survive, and keep our sanity. But, our schooling is not done yet. Classes may be over, but with all the pranks, new nightmare materials, evil possessed teachers, and downright strange happenings, we can now look forward to a relaxing summer and wonder about what the next school year will bring. One can hope that next year will prove to be less eventful. I mean, how could it be any worse than this one. What else could possibly go on. But don't worry, I will continue this handbook so that future students may have a better chance at holding on to their sanity. So, till next year, this is Shawn signing off. 

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AN: Well, the first year is finally complete. Sorry about the delay, but school kinda got a little crazy. I plan to keep this up through all seven books, assuming that there is still people who want to continue reading. If so, I plan to have another update within a few weeks.

Also, for those of you who are also following Sheppards and Potters. I should have an update out soon.

I would also like to thank you for all the reviews that you are planning to leave.


	6. and so it begins

Good morning campers. Did you have a good break? Mine was pretty good. I got to relax a bit, do some traveling, and generally just have some fun. But enough about that. A new school year has just started, and already I find myself needing to write about some of the craziness that happens behind the scenes at Hogwarts. Seriously, I wonder how they keep some of this stuff quiet. And what's worse, its not just the students. The teachers join in as well. See, that's why this handbook is more important than ever. My sanity is living on borrowed time (I doubt that it will make it to graduation). But, at least you will be able to survive. maybe. So, without any further ramblings, I'll just get on with some important rules...

**Rule 30: No hanging off balconies. **

For some unknown reason a few of the students thought that it would be fun to physically (no magic involved in this ordeal) take turns holding each others legs while they hung 'Welcome Back' signs between the staircases after the feast. Professor McGonagall nearly had a heart attack. On the other hand, this did nothing to disprove the Gryffindors reckless need to be canon fodder.

**Rule 31: Buffy the Vampire Slayer action figures are prohibited.**

It appears that over the break a few of the upper year students, as part of a strange Hufflepuff/ Slytherin alliance, had managed to find close to a hundred Buffy action figures complete with little tiny stakes and charm them to wander the hallways in search of Professor Snape. Upon finding the Professor the mini-Buffy's would then proceed to 'stake' him. But being tiny and plastic they could only stab his ankles. Snape was not pleased and vowed revenge on the students involved. Once everyone stops laughing enough for him to figure out exactly who was involved.

**Rule 32: Changing the Quidditch Robes is not allowed. (see also rule 23)**

In what appears to be retaliation for the 'mascot change' prank last year, the Slytherins attempted to change the Quidditch uniforms to better reflect the houses traits. Unfortunately, a pair of twins had already placed some charms on the robes in an effort to make them look cooler. In the end, nobody was pleased with the results. The Slytherins now had lilac robes with a design showing a hippo in a tutu. The Gryffindors had pale blue robes with baby chicks. The Ravenclaws had pink robes with sockmonkeys. And the Hufflepuffs ended up with cream colored robes with the stay-puft marshmallow man.

**Rule 33: Calvinball is not to be played on school grounds.**

Maybe Hufflepuffs shouldn't be allowed to organize sporting events. Some Hufflepuffs started a game of Calvinball (from Calvin and Hobbs), students from other houses began to join in. Calvinball only has one rule: there is no rules, anything goes. Combine that with the ability to use magic and things got out of hand really fast. The infirmary filled up fast. The nursing staff went on strike. And, classes had to be canceled the next day due to the sheer amount of injuries.


	7. house wars

**Rule 34: No charming fruit outside the classroom.**

Maybe we should be given a larger variety of things to charm in class, other than fruit. Remembering the tap dancing pineapples incident from last year, some imaginative Ravenclaws had managed to charm quite a few bananas. They had even transfigured little outfits for the fruit. The fruit had again found Professor Snape to be the one to follow around. It wouldn't have been that bad if it was just wandering quiet fruit. But, they had charmed the fruit to sing 'Bananas in Pajamas'. Snape was not amused at being referred to as a teddy bear. Once he had tracked down the students that were behind the prank he was extremely annoyed. The students got scared, and when asked why they thought it would be funny to charm the bananas, all they managed to get out was "Professor Flitwick…" Which lead to the next rule…

**Rule 35: Starting a prank-war amongst the professors is hazardous to your health**

Snape had made the assumption that Flitwick was behind the organizing of the banana incident. As a result, he retaliated by pranking Flitwick by charming his classroom furniture to always be taller than the tiny professor. Flitwick became annoyed and the prank war escalated between the two. Some of the pranks, of course, had missed their intended target and had impacted the other professors. Dumbledore was forced to intercede after Lockhart had been reduced to tears. After forcing Snape and Flitwick to talk things out, it was learned that the students who charmed the singing bananas were trying to get some extra credit in charms, and were involved in a bet with some of the other 3rd year students from the other 3 houses on which house was the most creative. Detentions were assigned.

**Rule 36: Houses cannot claim other houses as independent territories.**

Some Gryffindor students broke into the Hufflepuff dorms. They painted everything in bright neon colors and declared it to be the independent country of 'Zombieland'. The Hufflepuffs, once they regained entrance to their dorms were not amused. This of course will then lead to the next rule…

**Rule 37: Dorm furniture needs to stay in the dorms.**

Some of the more daring of the Hufflepuffs, in retaliation, broke into the Gryffindor dorms and moved all the furniture outside onto the roof of the castle. It rained that day. Gryffindor was not happy and vowed revenge.

**Rule 38: Little green plastic army men are not allowed in the hallways. **

Ravenclaw and Slytherin, hoping to stay out of the current Hufflepuff/Gryffindor feud, managed to obtain a lot of little green plastic army men, which they charmed to take up position to protect the entrance to their own dorms. While this seemed like a good idea at the time, some of the professors had to intervene because the army men revolted and wouldn't let anyone in or out of the dorms and attacked anyone who ventured within 5 feet of the house entrances. No one quite knows where the mini catapults came from though.

**Rule 39: When secret chambers within the school are opened, walk in groups (preferably in the middle of the group)**

Apparently the legendary Chamber of Secrets has been reopened. Mrs Norris, Filch's cat became petrified, followed by Gryffindor student Colin Creevey. So, this rule is mostly for self-preservation. When things like this happen you should always stay in groups, but position yourself in the middle. This is also one of the only times to voluntarily travel with students that you don't really like. This way, you can cut down your chances of becoming petrified and you don't risk people that you actually like.

**Rule 40: Pixie sticks are not to be given to the house elves**

Even with the knowledge of the real threat of being petrified, craziness still exists. I swear, nobody hear has any sense of self-preservation. The Weasley twins won't say how they got all those pixie sticks or what they had hoped to accomplish with them, but they had somehow convinced the Hogwarts house elves to consume huge amounts of them. Those were some really hyper elves, which made the mealtimes that day truly adventurous.

**Rule 41: The setting of invisible traps meant to catch an unknown, dangerous creature needs to stop**

After Hufflepuff student Justin Finch-Fletchley was found petrified, some students from all four houses decided to trap the monster that had been released from the chamber. They created various rope based traps, but for some unknown reason they decided to make the traps invisible. This resulted in quite a few students, a couple house elves, and Professor Trelawney being hung upside down by their ankles in various areas of the school. While slightly funny, in light of recent events, Professor Dumbledore gave out a months worth of detentions to the students involved. According to rumor, Snape is hoping to oversee their detentions (except for the one involving the student who made a boggart turn into Barney. That student Snape may try sending over to Lockhart, and he's been overheard mumbling about finding another boggart that the current defense professor can dispose of during one of those detentions).


End file.
